Becoming Eva’s Mom

Everything everyone told me, was wrong.

Well, almost everything.

Like every other new mom, this first year of motherhood I was bombarded with irrelevant (yet often well-meaning) advice.

Best practices from another era when children weren’t seen as full humans and conscious parenting wasn’t a thing. Must do’s that didn’t align with my wants and needs. Tips for self-care that wrongly assumed she’s a burden.

No, I don’t feel the need for her to do what I say because I say it or for her to be how I want her to be. No, the time didn’t fly. And no, I don’t want to rush her to reach any milestone or leap.

Amid all this that went in one ear and out the other, there was way too infrequent praise for a job well done.

And let me tell you, my dudes, I did a good job. With a non-traditional support system and a village we had to create ourselves, WE did a damn. good. job. When I look back at her year I feel so proud of having “survived” amid a beautiful mosaic of thoughtful firsts. Marking and celebrating each special occasion, endless patuques and play dates, deep presence with her without a screen of any kind, nightly walks in nature as she loves, four trips by plane in three continents, getting healthily through Covid and a major cold, a house constantly full of people who love her, only a handful of times where the tempers were lost, a secured spot for her in my dream school, and memories captured for one second of every day of her life so far, to name some highlights. Tipo, DAMN. Family-and-elders-who-start-with-the-negative, que mas quieren?

It’s ok. I know for the most part all those comments came from a loving place. Yet it’s still so surprising to me that too often, those who “love you the most” have the least kind things to say.

Pero bueno, that’s how we are, us humans. We project our fears and uniquely personal experiences onto others. I get it. Our parents, grandparents, tías, siblings, primos, and parientes sometimes have limited languages for how to show love.

If I sound like a downer, stay with me! The beautiful is coming! But this is part of the #wholestory of my induction into motherhood, too.

So, what has been “right” from what everyone told me? The biggest truth: it really is the greatest love of all. It’s all consuming, endless, and somehow, grows.

When I hug her I feel like every cell in my body is transforming into chocolate-covered love-bombs that ooze to the depths of the earth.

I’m overcome with awe at every new curiosity, wonder, and skill she acquires and can sit, observing her, marveled, for hours on end.

When she laughs, my heart feels like it’s expanding and overflowing with every drop of every ocean.

Y cuando me dice mamá, se me aguan los ojos every time!

I don’t know how my love for Eva fits in my soul, honestly. Sometimes, it feels like there’s no room for anything else. At times, there hasn’t been room for anything else.

Like our doula told us, es tiempo de bebé. She deserves my full presence and I don’t want to miss a thing. But, I’m still me. Rumbera y rochelera, pata caliente y coqueta, ambitious in my own right with the same mediapreneurial, political and Latino-centric pursuits that are my way of improving the world.

That’s another truth: it takes time to become a mother. Time to recalibrate for this little being who is now priority.  Time to work on the wounds of my own childhood and heal what I don’t want to pass on. Time to integrate this mother role, with the old me, to make way for a new Liz Rebecca Alarcón.

We’re getting there, her and I. Old Liz and new me. Creating routines that make room for all my loves. Working towards harmony among them. All the Liz’s are on our way to coexist as mi mejor versión.

I can wholeheartedly conclude, my dudes, that this first year of her life has also been the best year of mine. I feel lucky, honored, and humbled by the enormity of raising her. But it all becomes easy when I think of su carita redondita pointing her little index finger at her latest new discovery. Es que, Evalucha also happens to be someone who, YES, I love profusely, AND, who I really like, too. La tipa me cae demasiado BIEN! Que les puedo decir? Becoming Eva’s mom has been a joy beyond my wildest imagination.

The last truth I’ll share is this: she makes me want to work every single day to make her proud to be my daughter. And I will keep that as my North star as long as I live.