Two years of Eva

“I don’t want anyone else raising my kids.”

In these two years of motherhood, many moms have told me that phrase. They want to be there. They want to be the most involved. They don’t want to miss a thing!

I get where they’re coming from. But what kept coming up for me as I heard my friends share that was, I want MANY people raising Eva!

I’ll say on here what I say often IRL: The Nuclear Family is Dead™️

I know, I know. I literally have one. The person who’s been with her Huz for almost two decades and has the ole’ house, child, and dog get up is telling you the nuclear family is dead. Yes, some of us choose this set up as the foundational way to live a life. But to me, the nuclear family as the main source from which day-to-day life gets decided, and the main source for raising a child, is just that, one choice of many. It’s not something we need to “aspire” to. Especially because I feel…

It’s not enough.

It’s not enough not just because “it’s too much for two working people to raise kids.” That’s obviously true. ALL the reforms are needed to make work life compatible with family life in this country for nuclear families, single parents, for anyone who’s caretaking for anyone, really.

But what I want to get at is that even in a better world with all-the-reforms, the nuclear family is still not enough. There’s more love and wisdom to be had for our kids than what the nuclear family, mainly, provides.

I want MANY loving adults, not just the child’s parents, to take CLAIM in raising them. I’m sure you see where I’m going with this, my dudes: I want kids to have a COMMUNITY. A true village .

Not just the occasional visit from la tía to see how the child is doing. Not just a weekend at the grandparents’ house. Not just play dates with friends with kids, or a handful of trips with the cousins every year. I LOVE all of this and invest a ton of time giving and receiving it. But IMO, we need more. I want more for all of us.

Two years in to seeing Eva grow, she’s at her BEST when she feels the consistent, day-to-day involvement from at least four or five adults (of course including Julián and me) who are actively participating in her upbringing. And by upbringing I mean correcting her and teaching her new things. I mean meeting her basic needs and helping her regulate her emotions. I mean taking on the daily tasks of helping her with personal hygiene and practicing motor skills, manners, instilling a set of values—all of that.

The distance from loved ones, the working hours, and the culture in this country, especially, of upholding the nuclear family as a structure way too sacred to permeate make it hard for this to happen easily.

But my wish is for more of us to choose to set up our family life to make my version of community a reality.
Let’s live in compounds! Let’s have shared bank accounts with more than just our partners! Let’s have intergenerational homes! Let’s share daily routines like meal time and bed time with several families! Let’s elevate the roles of tía y mejor amiga y padrino y abuelo to more than just leisure time and special occasions!
To me, it’s a much more loving way to raise a child. It more accurately honors human -and Latino- nature. It’s how I feel life is supposed to be lived.

I’m working on building this kind of life, and get closer to my ideal version of it year by year. Where friendship holds just as much priority as partnership. Where elders are included in daily decisions in crucial ways. Where teachers are honored and valued as real authority figures in Eva’s life, and extended and chosen family are much more involved.

Wanting all of that doesn’t negate that I LOVE being Eva’s mom.

Words fall short when trying to describe the fulfillment I feel in supporting her as she becomes her complete, unique self. A parte, along with reading all the books (and having worked for two years at an organization focused on advocating for more resources towards a child’s first five years) trust me, I know the importance that quality time with parents and attachment and yada yada yada have on child’s life.

Julián and I will always play the lead role in raising her.

AND, just as much as I want us to be Eva’s primary people, I want her to have her village, too. Other adults who she feels in confianza to lean on not just as an extension of her parents, but adults who have built unique relationships with her, independently.

I had that growing up, spending my summers in Venezuela without my parents and with the village my single mom built here. Julián had that as well growing up in Barranquilla before he moved to South Florida at 14.

So, as Eva turned two on May 31st, and I felt all those who love her participate in celebrating her one way or another, I longed to pack all that love into this dream community that lasts year-round. 

Feliz Cumpleaños #2 to the exceptional little being who makes me want better and deeper for her, and for all our kids.